Advice to Parents of Teens

     Paul de Vries said, “There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.”  I can relate to that quote, especially if I can interpret the biting metaphorically.  

     I am the parent of one teenager and one soon-to-be teenager.  I find it very challenging.  I have almost no advice to give on the best way to deal with a teenager, but I think I have a bit of advice on how to make the best of a difficult situation.

1 

     Develop some toughness.  The toughness you need is the same kind you needed when they were toddlers.  I’m not talking about treating the teenager unkindly, but about letting many things they do and say just bounce right off you.  As adults we often have bad days, and we want people to be patient and tolerant of us on those days.  Teenagers have a bad day pretty much every day, and so we need to just let them vent a little bit and take a bit of their grouchiness and sullenness with grace.

2

     Remember your own past.  If you were like me, then you were not the most pleasant person to be around when you were that age.  If you were like me, you tended to be a smart aleck and tended to have a chip on your shoulder a lot of the time.  Maybe you were brooding and restless like me, too.  Because I can remember what I was like, I try to give my teenager some leeway.  You know the speck-and-the-beam principle, right?

3

     Imagine the future.  There’s a pretty good chance that you and your teenager will get through this difficult time.  Someday they will be grown and will eventually see that you were right–about some things, anyway.  Someday they will have teenagers of their own and it will be payback time, just as it is for you and me right now.  Doug Larson said, “Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”

4

     Treasure the happy moments.  There are rare moments when teenagers are mature, responsible, respectful, helpful, and affectionate.  Cultivate these moments as much as you can, and relish them.  Say to yourself, “I choose to let these enjoyable moments make up for all of the awful ones.”  I realize that my time of raising my teenager is drawing to a close, and during the next few years I want at least some good memories to look back on.

5

     Retain a sense of humor.  Some of the things they say and do are actually funny, although they tend to exasperate us as parents.  I’m not suggesting laughing about their antics in front of them, but go ahead and laugh behind their backs.  It will help keep you sane. 

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     I cannot make your teen, or mine, perfect.  I cannot take away their mood swings or their lousy attitudes or any other negative trait that plagues people their age.  Even they have only a measure of control over those things at this time in their developement.  What I can do is make the best of the situation and check my own attitudes and behaviors.  It’s all part of being a parent and of loving the kids.